Reality Checks

It's been a couple months since my last blog. Life has been full of REALITY CHECKS. First it started in the beginning of August with Art Fairs. The first weekend in August is my Art Fair weekend. Minneapolis host three of them throughout the city. They are all very nice and each have there own personality and talent. Obviously the biggest is the Uptown Art Fair, which happened to be very impressive this year. What I realized this year was everyone who had anything to offer was of a certain age and at the very least put in a minimum of a few thousand into their spaces. That's when I realized I have a long long way to go to get where I wanted to be in the art community. UGH!

Reality check and reflection time.... time to give up those little kid dreams that are holding me back from being a productive adult.  Here comes self reflection and major decisions to making. I need a job/career I can enjoy and that can both support a family and eventually help me put money into my art. UGH!

On top of that I got a HUGE family reality check, well my husband and I both, but I got a reality check in motherhood, in wifehood, with my mother, step-father, and even some extended family but mainly I got reality check on marriage. Marriage is hard. Parenthood is hard. Finding common ground with two independent-competitive people, who come from two completely different back rounds can be a struggle! Here I am over my head in struggle and reality checks. First thing I got rid of was social media! Then, I got rid of anything that would distract me from what I needed to deal with..... I gave up everything expect for my family and close friends. It was time to spend time with those true friends and time to figure out how to be married. Your close friends are there to be real with you and your husband is there to work it out with you.

Relationships: What no one wants to tell you is that relationships have up and downs, having kids can be hard, and life can be overwhelming. What I have found is no one wants to be real about marriage unless your the first to bring it up and even then it takes a real honest person to be real with you. The thing I have found is that it doesn't matter how perfect a person is for you, there is a still a period where it gets tough. Anyone who says they never had a rough time in there marriage is a lair or hasn't been married long enough.

The nice thing about being hair stylist is that I get to talk to so may different people and people tell me things because I tell no one. I'm a cheap counselor and this cheap counselor questioned everyone on marriage. What I found in my research is that most married couples have the toughest times in the beginning and in the early years with their children. I even had a family lawyer tell me the most common divorce is in couples with a child under one! This I never knew and would have never found out unless I asked.

Don't get me wrong, family is a BLESSING. I'm just talking about something I am going through.....

I started to noticed a change in my relationship with my husband. Things got weird, fights became marathons, and words HURT! Change is hard and readjusting causes you to have to look at yourself. It takes courage to take the blame off someone else and being real with yourself. When your in a marriage and you are IN LOVE  having a rough patch is devastating and completely heart-breaking.  If you are IN LOVE you just can't give up and I am IN LOVE! So I put my big girl panties on and I went to battle for my love. I would love to sit here and write something cool on the lessons of love and about marriage (you know something you read in the huffingtonpost) but I'm not ready. At the end of the day love is the most important thing. So, if your reading this and going through something (anything) just find that strength and keep going. When you don't give up the reward will eventually find you.

Now I am in the middle of self reflection and trying to figure out my adult dreams, maybe a little late, but better late then never. I will sit back down with my paint brush and soon I will have more paintings to post and more pictures to show off but for now I am in reflection, and I'm working on finding my way.

Peace and Love

Finding a Path can be Hard in a Forest full of NO's

It's been awhile since my last blog because.... Recently, we have realized that I need to go back to work. So, it's back to the salon I go! I've also finished an old painting, I have done a memorial painting for a friend that has lost her dog (this posting was on hold until it was finished), I have gone on a couple job interviews, been out to the flea market, making calls and trying to figure out how to go to the next step with my art, running around with my husband, and trying to be the best mom I can be. It's been quiet the summer and now it's back to blogging!

I went on an interview recently at Lifetouch, I thought it would be a great place to check out and get some experience, and learn more about photography (especially lighting). I applied for a school photographer which was seasonal. I thought it would be perfect. I can see how well I do away from Claire, and get some more experience in photography. My first interview was awesome. The man who interviewed me was so nice and personable. I thought what a great place to work! It would be right up my alley. I got a second interview the following week. I went to this interview; I wore a dress thinking it's a creative type job, it's my second interview, and I really wanted this job.  I went in so excited and a little nervous. I sat down for my second interview but it was nothing like the first. After an exchange of a couple sentences the interview turned into what felt like an interrogation on motherhood that went something like this:

"Do you have daycare for your daughter"? "Who is going to do your daycare". "Would they allow you to drop your child off early in the morning" (keep in mind I told her my daughter would mostly be with my husband and my mother). "Do you know what this job entails (it's my second fricken interview)". "How would you even handle this job". She kept rudely asking me how, HOW, HOW, HOW, and more HOW questions!  Then I finally got this question: "How are you even going to get up in the morning (my eyes widen and I looked down)"..... Seriously! I could not believe it! This is when I got angry but I just let it all continue. Then, I told her Claire was 6 months old, her response was "OH! I didn't realize she was THAT young". I was caught off guard, in shock, and it's been this first time someone had been terrible to me about being a new mother.  The interview continued in this tone and then finally the interview is almost over. I ask about their dress code because I noticed everyone was wearing something a little different. She tells me business causal, and explains it's khakis and polo's (keep in mind only two people in the office are wearing that and she is one of them). Then she looks at me and said "no low cut tops", rudely of course. I said "okay". Then she repeats it two more times. As I am walking out and the subject is more than over, she again says "no low cut tops". I finally respond with "yeah, I remember high school boys" and wondered to myself what was so wrong with wearing a dress?

I was so caught off guard I never stuck up for myself, I didn't put her in her place, and I let her allow me to feel badly about motherhood. Here I was with a resume that explains that I have obtained a license in Cosmetology, a degree in Law Enforcement, I have 10+ years of customer service experience, I still work in the salon, I have great job record, I write a blog, I sell my paintings, I do photography in my free-time, and I am full-time mother!  Yet, not one question in the interview was about my job record or any other kind of work experience. I was even nice enough to explain to the woman that I have 5 different daycare options most of them being family that have already volunteered to help me if I were to get the job. The icing on the cake was when I got home my husband first response was " that not even a low cut top!" I got a letter in the mail a week later telling me I didn't get the job.

I wasn't mad I didn't get the job because clearly I didn't need that kind of negativity but I was mad that someone treated me so badly, and that I allowed someone to make me feel so small over a job that only required a high school education. I later wrote a letter to the company explaining my interview and asking them if I applied for a different position in the company if motherhood would be supported. They later called and apologized and I later realized it was a wake up call on how to value myself and everything I have accomplished. Motherhood is an amazing thing and if you can be a mother, you can be anything!

I continued the momentum and applied for an art exhibition at the art museum. I'm continuing to focus on painting, taking pictures, and gathering more creative ideas because someday... somehow it will all pay off.

Part of the reason I haven't blogged in so long is because I made myself finish these two paintings before I could post another blog. Here are the two painting I have been working on over the summer. 

This is Tigger.... My first dog painting EVER. I hope this lovely new owner of this painting is satisfied. I also hope it's a reminder that all dogs go to heaven.

This is a finished painting from years ago. I was finally able to figure out the look I wanted to give her and the details I wanted to embellish. This is my first finished oil painting. 

She is green to symbolize her being naive yet beautiful. 

I can't wait to blog more often now that summer is starting to wind down! This weekend I will be enjoying both family and art! I suggest if you're free this weekend to hit up Minneapolis for some great art fairs.

  

The Summer Days and The Father Days

Minnesotan's have adapted over the years of long winter's and usually beautiful summer's to behave like bear's. Yes, bear's. The winter months come along and their okay. We have Thanksgiving to feed ourselves, we have the first snow fall that is always beautiful, and we have Christmas. After Christmas everyone hibernates unless there is work, drinking, ice fishing, or maybe a hockey game. The residents in this state, myself being the worst, have learned how to only go through the motions during the winter month's. Then something great happens after some rainfall we get a SUMMER! Which happens to be the best time of the year and I love Minnesota for it's summer's it the only things that keeps me here and not backing my bags and tricking my husband into going all the way to California. Believe me when I say, I have plotted and pleaded during the winter......

My first approach on trying to get my husband to leave this state is the guilt trip " Before you asked me out I sold everything I owned and I was about on my way to California" (this is actually a true statement). Then I layer on the excuses "I can't go it's TOO cold" and I repeated that over and over and over and it becomes my answer to everything. Then I add in complaining, " I'm so cold, I need 50 blankets, it's so cold", and I keep turning the heat up as he's calculating the bill in his head. It drives him nuts that the house sits anywhere from 72-74 in the winter and there is 50 blankets on the bed, but I have excuses he can't argue with. Then of course, I make him explain to me over and over again why we live in this cold state that I hate. As he explain's why over and over again. I fantasize about giving him some sleeping pills while I pack and load everyone in the car and when he wakes up we're to far to turn back. Suddenly as we're driving there, I come in to a bunch of money, and we're living in Malibu chasing the dogs on the beach as a family. Every night all the windows in our house are open and we all fall asleep to the waves crashing on the beach. That doesn't happen to be in the cards at the moment.... but then SUMMER! The lakes. warm sun, and the memories are the best.

Finally it's summer and I'm almost sane again, I can finally feel my toes, and both my body and my heart regain warmth! Then something happens, I go insane trying to pack in a year's worth of stuff into a few months. This actually happens to be most of the residents in this state's problem. Trying to pack it all into the warm months. It gets to be an overload. This very reason is why I will have inconsistent blogs all summer long............ Please keep reading there is more to explain!

My husband's work load is the worst during the summer...
My husband hates when I talk about this, but he is a police officer. He does have a hard job! You can hate him or even us for what he does for a living if you want to, but we're normal people. My husband has a job. Yes a JOB. He does not wear his uniform all the time and he is a good person who is a lot of FUN. He does have a job that people no longer respect (Side Note: He doesn't make the law, he enforces it, if you want to fight someone fight your law maker's, you know, those people they call congress person or senator. They create the laws my husband enforces). With being a police officer come crazy shifts which are the easy part. Then you add in court, yes he has to go to court because he arrests people. He has to appear every time a person does not plea out. Also, in the State of Minnesota cops are required to have certain amount of training and have certain standards to keep their Peace Officer License (Minnesota as a state has the highest police standards/ requirements in the country). On top of that, departments have their own training, guild lines and meetings. There is at least some kind of training a couple to a few times a month. It also might not be a written rule, but police officer also work special project shifts and overtime. To add in the daily threat of dealing with crazy people there is a lot to police work people don't even realize because court, training, and overtime are not included in the 40 hour week! I've come to realize that the average person knows nothing about police work. To those that are clueless please keep in mind most departments offer ride-a-longs, try it.
 With all this work he already has; he also runs a paintball business with his family. This is his PASSION! This passion includes running the field and a team!!! A fricken paintball team of 25 guys who seem to ask about 50 questions a day! Between the police work, the field work, and paintball team my husband doesn't seem to ever have a free second. When he's not at work. He's on the phone with paintball companies, paintball people, other field owner's and manager's. He reads the paintball websites and the blogs. He keeps up on what is said about his own field. He also runs the fields website, two Facebook pages, and an Instagram. He's creating idea's and making deals on how to be better and busier. Then he has the team and the team has questions, practice, tournaments. They also need guidance, structure, a schedule, equipment, a friend, and a good coach. He also a FATHER and a husband! His plate is beyond full.
 All of this creates the phone always going off! Work is always on! Therefore, most of the time everything else is pretty much on me. When there is a period of no blogging or progress it is because I love my husband and he also needs to succeed and I need to succeed as a wife and a mother. Of course, I have my own life and my own goals. Someday I hope to reach them all, but my family will always come first. I am so in love with being a mother and having a family. So much so that sometimes I need to put stuff on hold to support my family sometimes.

To my hard working Husband,
You have been a great new Dad! I'm so proud. You have no idea how much it means to me to see you with our daughter and to be there for her. I watch you work so hard for your family. Nothing you do goes unnoticed even when nothing is said. Thank You for everything you do every day.
Happy Father's Day!

 A Daddy and A Daughter

Unedited Pictures of mine to show a little taste of Minnesota

Happy Father's Day to those great Dad's out there.

Coming soon

A blog post will be coming soon. Summer's in Minnesota, well this so called summer, the time can get away from you. Time has been pasted faster than I can keep up with. I have so many things to write about and to back track what I've been experimenting on with my art. Please stay tuned!

Lesson's and Learning Experiences.

These last two weeks have been crazy and Friday's have taken the biggest hit. So, here is a special Sunday post to make up for the missing Friday post where work and life came first.

 Week #1.
My husband and I raced against time all week. We bounced around all week from our garage to our parents garages working on projects. I honestly thought I would not be at the flea market selling my stuff by Saturday morning.  It was 7 pm on a Friday night and I've encountered just about everyone problem with my project. Our biggest problem: the nail gun! On top of that, I spent the week redoing all the work that had already been done; my frames had to be re-cut, re-sanded, and re-painted. We have just left my husband's parents place and where on our way to Home Depot again, BUT WHY? We were using a nail gun to place frames on the pictures.. it's not working right or were not working it right and were ruining all the hard work that had gone into the frames. I yelled at my husband in his parents driveway, "STOP! This isn't working!"... I call my step dad and ask "what do I do? " My step dad says nicely " then you do it the old fashioned way, you need to put all the nails in by hand". At this point in the day I'm pissed, I'm crabby, time has been wasted, projects aren't completed, I have a headache, and a goal to sell in the morning seems almost impossible. Not one frame has been nailed to the board the pictures are one and it's getting late. I have 15 pictures that need frames. I think there is no way this is getting done. We get to Home Depot at 7:30 pm to buy nails. We get to my parents garage at 8 pm. Keep in mind, if I want to sell at flea market I have to be there setting up by 5 am. That means a 4 am wake up time. I should be in bed at 8 pm, but I'm unloading my pictures and handmade frames into my parents garage. By the grace of God my family came together and between my husband, my step dad, my mom (watching my baby), and myself we get it all done by 10 pm. I couldn't believe it! We get home knowing we get a short nap and then we need to be on our way early...... Then we wake up at 4 am and it's STORMING! Mother nature had her own plan. I am left to try another day.

Week #2
It's Sunday about to start a new week and my relationship with my husband takes another hit. To be honest, our relationship took a lot of hits in the beginning and we don't need another one, but we get one anyway. Now we're married, we have a busy life that is hard to figure out, and BELIEVE ME when I say getting married and having a baby in the same year is HARD! It's like shit falls from the sky sometimes! After 3 days of crying and 2 straight days of talking things out....  We've realized where confusion might come from and that sometimes the past is better left in the past, especially when life has moved on. I thought my husband would be getting awake up call and he had all these lessons he still needed to learn. The thing is, it was me. I got a big lesson on trust and big lesson on how much my husband really means to me. At the end of the day, we love each other, we are a family, and we're learning how to stay together and get through things together. With all that happening, It also my first weekend to sell at the flea market. My anxiety has been woke up! My stomach has been living in my throat. Lets just say food isn't my friend this week. Flea market time is here. It's Friday and I have to be out at the flea market because there open early for the holiday weekend. Were out there by 6 am on Friday. My husband works over nights and has to be at work at 6 pm. He is sleeping in the vehicle as I am setting up and waiting/hoping for a sale with Claire. I sit there until about 1 pm. It's slow. There was more people the weekend before and it was raining!  I sat there and nothing.... the lady selling flowers across from me is the hottest vendor there! She's selling flowers as if they were free. I just sat there with my stomach in my throat. Nothing. Super disappointed. My husband tells me to wait and see how Saturday goes, knowing how busy the next day would get.
It's now Saturday and it's just Claire and I. I get up at 4:15 am. I get her in the car seat and the car is already packed up (she's still sleeping thank GOD) and we're off. My mother and father-in-law meet me out there later with a tent, just in case it rains, and some change because we forgot to go the bank. Four hours go by and NOTHING! I sell a couple books I brought out and I receive lots of compliments, offers on my child, but no buys. Seriously!!! Why compliment and then walk away?! So, I decide to change the price on my work and see how that goes.... Then finally all in a row I sell 3 pictures to the flower vendor across from me and then 3 more pictures flea market shoppers. Thank GOD, because I really was starting to feel bad.

Now the experience is over. I met some nice people and step outside of my little box. At the end of it all, I didn't meet the little goal in the back of my mind, but for the first time strangers bought some of my art work. Hopefully that might be the start of something. I also realize Art Fairs are a must, I have a lot of trial and error to go, a market to discover, an audience to build, and I have so much more to learn.  I'm going to see the flea market project through and give it a few more tries. I will also work on getting a business together and putting my name out there....
I have been dodging vulnerability my whole life and here it is slapping me in the face. It's in my work, and now it's in my relationship's. I feel fully exposed. Such a weird feeling that is leaving me shy and speechless. Here I am and I must continue to more forward and give life my all.

Pictures from the weekend:

 Claire and I on the first Saturday out. It's windy and cold. My face shows the impact of Minnesota weather by being both burnt and cold.

Claire sleeping in the SUV while I work.

My booth and my work is laid out!

This Friday I will post some new pictures I have taken and some painting I will be starting!

Taking a moment for my family...

This weekend I will be celebrating my Birthday and my first Mother's Day..... I'm extremely excited for my first Mother's Day. My daughter gives so much meaning to my life and I can't wait to eat some kind of Sunday brunch in celebration.
To be real, the last two weeks I've spent most of my time with my daughter, and I have taken the time I normally spend on doing things like painting and taking pictures, on my relationship. My husband is a very, very busy man. He spends most of his time addicted to work, and little time he has left is spent with us or sleeping. Since it's our first year of marriage and we have an infant I've been trying to figure out (as I am sure my husband is too) how to make everything we both want functional. It isn't easy! My frustrations, patience, words, time, thoughts, and love have all been spent in the last two weeks only on my family. So far, we have agreed and achieved 5 hours of family time a week. Everything else is still a work in progress. We also took some time last weekend for each other and we had a really good date, thanks babe! To those woman trying to figure out a family, I'm there, I'm in the beginning of it all! Everyday there is something to learn. Some weeks are super hard and some days are long but it's all wonderful. In some odd way it best thing ever. At the end of the day family is the most important to me. It has to be! I had a single mom growing up and a biological father who showed up once every few years just to be asshole and walk out again. My secret dream in life was to have a family. I hoped I could find a man who was together and goodhearted enough to love, be loved, and to want to be a family. I found JT. Thank God because I wasn't so sure if I'd ever get here but I'm here. I have no idea how to do this family thing especially in a two parent household, so I am working. I am working on myself, my marriage, being a good mom, and maintaining who I am and growing into who I want to be. In process of it all, I can't give up on this professional dream either.
Today is beautiful and today I restart the process into my art venture and keep working toward those goals I have set in my head.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there!

For the Love of Dogs

A Bond with a Dog

My dog's name is Max, I have had Max since I was 20 years old and this September, I will have had Max for 8 years. He's getting older; his movement is greatly decreasing, his excitement is calming down, and his face is slowly graying. Unfortunately, my dog is getting old. On top of that, this year has not been a good year for Max. He started losing hair a little over a year ago; It started with patches on his face and neck, then his entire neck, and eventually his whole body. We were in and out of the vet. No one seemed to have any answers at first, but they had lots of maybe's and those maybe's came with dollars signs behind them. WE'RE STRESSED and worried! At that time, we just were finding out that i'm pregnant and we're in the middle of planning and paying for our wedding. 

As the week of our wedding approached we hit a turning point. Max collapsed down the stairs and had problems walking. It turned out he was put on a medicine that could of killed him. Thankfully a concerned vet helped us out and we got through our wedding week but of course, not with out some tears. When we got home from our wedding bliss, it was time to really figure out what was going on with Max. First, Max is just treated for hair loss and the vet expresses that something is causing a weak immune system, we just don't know what it is yet. Then a couple weeks later Max gets a huge hot spot almost overnight. We quickly find out that Max has cancer.......

 I felt like a such a mess that day. Here I am 6 months pregnant and the vet comes in and tells us it's mass cells. Instantly I'm trying to hold back the tears! As we go through the options I'm balling, and when she leaves the room I am sobbing. I hate crying in public and the clinic ECHOS, but I just couldn't help it. I was a disaster. I was a disaster for a whole week. In fact, my husband yelled at me saying " He isn't dead yet, stop it!"  But Max has just been such a rock in my life and seeing him sick killed me. So in the last year Max has had non stop vet visits and has been through:

• A few medicines and shampoos
• Mites that caused hair loss due to a weak immune system 
• Cancer
• Surgery to have cancer removed (took two weeks to heal)
• A period of weekly tonic baths to get the hair to come back
• Ear infection
• Yeast infections
• Allergies
• Hot spots (they look like road rash and bleed!)

 I value him because he'e been such a GREAT DOG. I have never had a companion like Max until I found my husband. I know weird but it's the truth. Anyone who has ever met Max knows he's rare! Even our vet Dr. Sarah has become quite fond of him and thanks to her Max is doing the best he can do right now.

FINDING A BOND WITH A DOG

I mentioned above that I was just 20 years old when I got Max. I had a bad day and my early twenties where really tough. That day for some reason, I was having a bad day. I thought maybe if I go to the Humane Society it will make my day a little better. Of course, I found Max that day. I paced up and down the kennels most dogs barking insanely or nervous as can be! Then I saw Max. He was different. He wasn't barking. He wasn't busy. When I would stare, he would stare right back. He seemed calm and in a Humane Society! There was something about him. I paced the kennels a little longer but I knew, I just knew he was MY DOG! I put a deposit down on him that day and came back a couple days later to bring him home for the rest of his life. My roommates about had a heart attack when I brought in 80 pounds of black dog! One my roommates screamed and Max turned around and peed on her couch! He was funny too! 

Bringing him home wasn't easy. I think Max was abused.... and whoever abuses innocent animals deserves a beating themselves! For the first month, Max would only lay under the canopy I had around my bed and wouldn't move. It seemed to be the ONLY place he felt safe. I had to hand feed him and carry, YES CARRY, an 80 pound dog to and from the bathroom. Finally I took the canopy down and I started to socialize him slowly. That was a journey. It's almost been a life long journey. I took everywhere I could. I took him around people he could trust. Slowly Max started to trust and feel more comfortable being a social dog. Together we have been through 7 different living situations, many roommates, heartache, college, growing closer with family, and growing into a family. Max has been there to cry on when I've been through break up's, when I found out my uncle had cancer, when my uncle died of cancer, when I found out my Grandma had cancer, when she died from cancer, when I was alone, and when I found he had cancer. He's has helped grow the close bond I share with my Aunt and cousin (because man we all love him), he has been there when I found love, when I moved in with my husband, when I married my husband, and when I brought home my first baby. There has been so many milestone and challenges I've experience in the last 8 years and through them all there has been a really great dog, Max. 

Max and I on my wedding day

(Lacoursiere Photography)

Our Dynamic Dog Duo

My husband just had gotten Stormy when we started dating and even our dogs have grown to love one another.

I can't forget... Stormy

She's exhausted from all the picture taking!!!

For the Love of Dogs!

P.S. I Guess I am 4 months old this week!